Dear God,

Someone told me they wanted to read another post from me. I thought about telling them to go back and read the last two years' worth, most of it would blow their mind and keep it fully engaged for as long as it takes to fulfill their need of being amused or entertained. (Sorry, I'm full force today. Hell of a day.) I thought to myself, another post is not needed. But, then I realized that maybe I still have something to say. After a time of tumultuous inner searching, I have come to realize that I have very little left to say to the bulk of humanity, and a great deal to say to You.

That realization startled me. I always prided myself on never blaming You for anything. I don't believe in blaming someone who can't defend himself, but then again, I realized: You can. You do. But You let me have the floor anyway. What a Dad. And still I run. And still, You woo.

I'm... sure You've noticed that I haven't prayed in a long time. I don't think I am worthy of speaking to You anymore, much less to have You listen. Irregardless of Your promises to always listen, to never leave or forsake, I seem to have lost the ability to accept that I still can, indeed, talk to you, on my filthiest, awfullest day. Maybe its not an inability to accept, but a refusal. That could very well be. I just can't think of anything that I have to say, that You would really want to hear about. You know it all already... its right there in that hole where my heart used to be. Just writhing around like a pit of venomous lizards. Its disgusting, I know, but I'd be an idiot to try to hide it from You. At least I have that going for me, huh.

I've got a question burning on my mind. Why did You create people? Why not just have it a lovely, gorgeous, perfect world where all of Your creation and Your nature glorifies You in resplendence and awesomeness. I am pretty sure You mentioned why, in the Bible. Forgive me but I'm too lazy to go and look it up. And maybe there is a little defiance mixed in there, as well. I'll cop to that.

I just am so sick of people. Of your people. There are probably a surprisable amount of people who are sick of me too; of course I don't know that for sure, but deductive reasoning and my own sense of logic tell me that this is a fact. Tell me if I'm wrong. And even then, the sad fact is that I won't really care. I seriously... mostly.... don't give a crap if I offend someone or not, anymore. They all just piss me off. I haven't met a genuinely godly person for so long, I actually would recognize one if I'd see one. I'm sick of hidden motives. Why can't they just spit it out, what they mean to really say? Do You ever get tired of Your kids bullshitting You? Does it alarm You about how little people allow themselves to care for other people, or does nothing alarm You? Yeah.... think You probably talked about that in the Bible too.

I know You designed the church, but I have given up on ever experiencing it here on earth. If I get to Heaven at all, I'll be the most surprised one of all. And of course, You'll be sitting on the throne with a knowing look on your face. At least then I won't feel lost anymore. Lost, as in, floating on a battered little raft in the middle of the ocean, with ten foot waves and sharks circling. We'll have real church in Heaven, and I guess I should be satisfied with waiting to experience it until I get there, but for crying out loud... does my vaporous experience on this planet have to be so miserable?? I know its like a twitch in Your eye, my lifetime, but it isn't to me. Its like a thousand years of hard labor, and then some. I feel like I'm wearing cement boots. And its not the boots that bother me, or even the labor. Its the aloneness. The fact that there are other people around... but they either lie to my face when they tell me they care (because You know it best, right, actions speak wayyyyy louder than words) or else they lie to themselves and pretend like they don't care at all. There is no such thing as a ship in the night. There is such a thing as a burning ship in the night. And blinding goggles. And people wear them. Heck, maybe I even have a pair on. But what I'm saying... and You already know it, but I really like the fact that You don't just recognize my need to define the lizards, but You actually put that need there to begin with. What I was saying..is.. What in the world is it that is keeping all of Your kids from giving a rip about each other?

There is so much more to say. The lizards are really going crazy now. I would really like my heart back and get rid of these pesky little things. The only thing that keeps them from biting me and killing me is that I've been eating the magic onions while I'm up here on the pinnacle of despair. Magic onions keep venomous lizards at bay.

I really miss You. I miss talking to You. I miss caring. I miss feeling. I am so sick of this damned little raft, one of these times I might look one of those sharks in the eye and say, "hola, senor. Welcome to your lunch. Take a Rolaids, babe, because you are gonna have the worst case of heartburn ever in your miserable cold blooded little lifetime!!" I want the shoreline to come into view. I don't care whats on the shore... I don't care if its New York frickin City or if its the Isle of Patmos. I just want off of this raft. I hate being alone. I'm sick of being a floater.

If any humans read this, they won't be able to make a lick of sense. So much for a meaningful post. Guess I got the last word again, You know how much I get a kick out of that. The fact is that I don't really care if they make sense of this or not. You can. This is one definition of "groanings". I suppose Hemmingway would say its a bunch of unprintable nonsense, but he can go fly a kite. I need to publish this, for some odd reason, and You know it and I know it and so I'm just going to go and click the button and live with the ramifications of actually making public such a horrifyingly, starkly honest and pungently rotten declaration. Or is it an admittance? Hmm.

I'll be back. You know that.

With all of my broken heart, a.k.a. The Pit of Venomous Lizards,

Your child of grace.. me.

...nearly walked away from everything she has.

...hates peas, blueberries, cherries, and grapes because of the way they feel in my mouth. Odd, yes.

...got a wakeup call from the most unlikely of sources, and it changed my life.

...could sleep all day and stay awake all night working. Maybe this is why I prefer to grocery shop at night... or perhaps its just because I don't like to shop when there are lots of people around.

...does not have much patience with small children, which the sweet Lord knew all along. Therefore, He blessed me with a little girl named Cassandra Faith, who is the answer to my supplication to the Lord for more patience.

...stops at green lights and goes at red lights, as well as gets left and right confused constantly.

...loves the sound of a Cummins diesel and laughs at all Powerstrokes.

...is quite fond of the smells of Pinesol, mint tea, tomato plants, sheets dried on the line, and diesel fuel.

...speaks my mind too forcefully and without regard to others feelings, and later on I rethink and rehash and regret, and think of a dozen ways I could have said it better, not to mention just remaining quiet.

...is discovering that I don't know God like I thought I did, but that He still loves me as much as He ever has.

...loves Frisco burgers at Hardees.

...is freaked out afraid of snakes.

...knows what it feels and looks like at rock bottom.

...isn't afraid of dying, but is scared to go to the dentist.

...is a country girl through and through and always will be, but dreams of city life.

...is good at catching things.

...has feet that don't seem to stop growing. Ten years ago they were size 8.5 and now they are 10.

...loves to listen to all my music on iTunes.

...likes doing laundry except for putting it away. Thats the hard part.

...enjoys cooking but hates doing dishes and cleanup.

...goes haywire in a bad storm.

...deeply cherishes her friends but seldom lets them know.

...will miss Iowa but I'm ready to move on, even though I never dreamt it would come to this.

...is excited and thrilled to be moving to Ohio!!!

...needs to get off the computer and get more packing done....

therefore, hasta la vista, amigos!!!!